It's closing day!!

Today is the day. I am so excited and nervous at the same time. Today we will be one step closer to his new future, yet surgeries always make me nervous. Chris is, as always, cheery and joking despite the phantom pains, which are a bit better today. Excitement builds as we look forward to him coming back with less tubes, making Fred (his IV pole) a bit easier to push around. The Doc came in to let us know his cultures came back negative, meaning no bacteria in the wounds which means they will definitely be closing him today. Brad was the first to go then it would be Chris, so we patiently...oh who am I kidding...we impatiently waited for the anesthetist team to come prep Chris. One because we were so ready to get this started and two because we were worried about Brad. He had had some small (yet painful) set backs and we wanted his surgery to go smoothly. Finally around 1230 they came for Chris. We were thrilled yet concerned about Brad since his surgery took longer than expected. I watched the team as they prepped Chris, working smoothly and somewhat efficiently and before I knew it they had finished and were wheeling him out. Seeing him in that bed brought back memories of when him and I PSCd to Kadena. He was 2 and had a severe ear infection, but because he had no fever and his high threshold for pain he never complained of an ear ache. One day, after only being there two weeks, he had fallen at the daycare provider's. When I brought him home he was slurring his words, completely panicked I rushed him to the ER where they asked me if he had any projectile vomiting. Within seconds after saying no, he proceeded to projectile vomit everywhere. They quickly took us to a room and gave him a once over where they discovered a dark red color behind his ear drum making them think he had internal bleeding. The only way to verify it was with a CAT scan and to prep him for that they would have to put an IV in his arm. My world was torn apart as I stood in the prep room, all by myself, watching my little man in complete confusion of what was going on, stare at me screaming and crying for Mommy as they tried to get an IV in his arm. Tears were streaming down my face as a medtech held me back to keep me from scooping him up in my arms to make it all go away. Luckily it was just a bad ear infection, but the pain on his face that day was forever seared in my memory. That face came rushing back to me now as I walked down the hall by his side. The difference was there was no screaming or crying and he was fully aware of what was going on, but it still didn't stop the tears from building up in the corner of my eyes. I just wanted to scoop him up in my arms and make it all go away. Once again I kissed him on the forehead and watched them as long as I could before they disappeared from view. It was going to take about 3 hours so we got something to eat and waited in his room. At the 3 hour mark I headed towards the dreaded waiting room. This time there was only a 3 families in there with me and Cujo, but as the calls came they quickly dwindled and once again it was just us left in there. Wayne joined us a few minutes later after getting of the phone with his family. The anxiousness began to build in all of us as the minutes ticked by and just like before I finally saw the StL Cards scrub cap come bouncing down the hall. The Doc told us the surgery went pretty much as planned; his wounds looked good and they were able to create a good meaty foundation. I asked to see the pictures of his wounds and he showed them to us. The pictures took my breath away and brought tears to my eyes, once again I wanted to drop to my knees, but I needed to see them for my closure. My mind tried to process what my eyes were looking at, while flashing visions of the pain and horror my baby boy had to endure that night! What a brave, brave young man! We headed to his room to wait, then after an hour I went back to the waiting room for his anesthetist Jay to come out. I was the only one in the room and strangely enough found the emptiness very comforting, it matched the emptiness in my heart so I let the quietness wash over me calming my nerves. Jay never came, but I did get a call letting me know they were taking him back to his room and I met up with them in the hall. He wasn't as out of it as last time, actually this time he was in a lot of pain. To help form the limbs for the prosthetics and to keep the knee flexible they put both of his legs in casts. The left one was loose and didn't cause him much pain but the right was tight and it felt like there was a wrinkle at the end that was really putting pressure on his limb. Several docs came in to look at it and ultimately it was decided to have a cast tech come up and valve the cast to release the pressure a bit but still keep it on to keep the swelling down and the knee straight. I  really didn't like that solution largely because I hated seeing him in such pain. But the sensible side of me won out; it was put on in a sterile environment and with the wounds unhealed we didn't want bacteria getting in and the pros at putting on these types of casts were gone and I only wanted the best for him. We all agreed to wait and see how he was in the morning. Once again that face from years ago was looking back at me and my world was being torn apart. Deep in my heart I know there will be many more times ahead where that face will be looking at me. I dread it, I hate that it will come but I am ready for it. I will do anything for my children and bear any pain required to make sure they know they are loved and well taken care of. As I ride the elevator down to the first floor I wonder if there will ever come a time when I am all cried out. On the walk back to the Fisher House I stare up at the night sky and the universe gives me my answer...No, as long as I love my son as much as I do I will never be all cried out.

Busy few weeks!

I am so sorry I haven't posted in a while. So much has been going on and I can barely keep it all straight. Things are getting settled and I will be back to telling our story. Thank you for your support and patience!

Now comes the "quiet"....temporarily

As I got ready to see Chris, Gitta's voice was bouncing around inside my head reminding me how theraputic running can be during times like these. I knew she was right, so I laced up my shoes so I could run after I satisfied my need to hug Chris and find out how he was doing. As I pushed open the Fisher House doors the first thing to hit me was how white the sidewalk was against green astroturf. It's amazing how the relief from knowing your son is near, in good health and great spirits can open up your tunnel vision to let the beauty of the world around you in. Behind me I heard the tinkling of a waterfall, good thing I didn't have to pee. I turned my head to see a picturesque, small, white gazebo but no waterfall. In a corner of my mind I tucked away the thought to look for it when I returned, realizing that sound may come in handy later. The trick would be to remember to pull that thought out of that corner later. As I headed up the incline towards building 1, to my left I spied several tan lines cutting through the side of the hill across the street from the hospital grounds. I wondered how long they were and where they went, guess today is as good as any to find out. I stood in front of the bay of hospital elevators and my mind began to scream...I HATE ELEVATORS!!! This will be one fear I will be forced to get over or under control while I am here that was for sure. Though there was a plus to getting there early, the elevators seemed to go straight to the 5th floor as if they knew how anxious I was to get there. I gently opened Chris' door and the room was dark and eerily quiet. Cujo was out cold on the tiny little couch, the poor guy looked so uncomfortable. Good thing he's a Marine, they are used to sleeping on anything and anywhere. Chris was awake and in pain. The nurses and corpmen here are wonderful. You can tell by the look on their faces, the tone of their voices and their gentleness with the patients that they really care about these young men and want to do everything possible to make their lives easier. I waited until they were able to get his pain under control before I decided it was time for some stress relief. The sun was now a bright yellow ball in the sky that demanded sunglasses and made the day hot and dry, thankfully there was a slight breeze. The heat brought out the most delicious smells from the desert plants along the trail. Aromatherapy brought to you by Mother Nature, gotta love it! It was my first trail run; it was different and tougher than anything I had ran yet. Watching where my feet landed so I didn't step wrong on the big and little rocks, the loose sand and critters was not something I was used to. Oh and don't forget looking out for possible rattlesnakes. The run was short, but it was better than nothing and cleared the head quite well. Chris needed a change of scenery; more importantly he needed to visit Brad so they both could see with their own eyes that the other was truly okay. There will always be a bond between the three of them; one born out of tragedy, one that no one really wanted because of it's tragic beginnings but one which will aide greatly in their recoveries. They were able to get Chris a chair and over to see Brad. When I returned to the ward after my run I sort of ruined their surprise. Chris wanted to surprise me with being in the courtyard when I got back, either way it was a wonderful sight! The trip to the courtyard was short, but as I watched Chris lean his head back to soak up all the sun he could I realized that just as plants after a torrential storm grow and thrive with the cleansing rains and warming sun that follows. Chris will grow and thrive after his torrential storms of the divorce and losing part of his legs with the help of the cleansing prayers and warming love from all our family, friends and people we don't even know. This day and the next was "quiet", relatively speaking. Keeping his pain in check was challenging at times but he did handle it all so well. Terry's voice kept whispering in my ear...make sure you keep track of his doctors and medications, it will be very useful later. I love my girls! Even when they're not near, they still are because they all reside deep in my heart and evidently in my brain as well. But Holy Hell Terry how did you do it?! There are so many, non-stop, for basically the same thing and none of their names are easy or easily readable! I know I will get it eventually but sooner would be better. So far he was healing nicely and was on track for wound closure the following day. Things are going so fast just like Terry said it would. It's so hard to believe only 8 days have passed since the explosion. His next hurdle would be the closing operation. Bring it on! We are ready for it and have no qualms with telling life that we can take anything it dishes out cause it hits like a bitch!

Thank you for all the wonderful comments!

I apologize for not posting in a week. I ended up getting sick Monday night and it took me out for a week. I swear if I have to deal with the mind swirling bed spins, then it should be because I drank too much and had a ton of fun. And not for some unknown reason!

Thank you so much for all the wonderful comments and  support. Your support and stories have really touched our lives and hearts. Many of you have extended offers of help and support. Please know I will contact you shortly once we have settled down a bit so I can focus properly

The first step towards recovery.

I awoke early the next morning, on my own and interestingly enough, well rested. I guess being able to finally see and touch my boy after what seemed like a month instead of just a week, caused my body and mind to truly let go. I didn't sleep long, but I know I slept hard mainly cause Wayne told me I snored loudly. Really I have no idea what he is talking about because I never, ever snore. I quickly grabbed a shower and got dressed. I hated being away from Chris now. Every muscle and nerve in my body was twitching to get back to his room, almost like I didn't believe he was really there. Plus I was in mother bear mode; no one was going to do anything to my boy without me being there to make sure he was getting what he needed and was treated right. Today he was scheduled for another wash out and the first review of his wounds by the ortho team who would be responsible for the eventual closing of his legs. I certainly wasn't going to miss that. Brad's washout was scheduled for the morning and Chris' for the afternoon. After waiting anxiously, yet not really wanting them to come take him away, the anestisia team came in to prep him and get him headed in the right direction towards LaLa land. The anestisist was fantastic, so gentle and caring. Once everything was in place they wheeled his bed to the 2nd floor and towards pre-op. Right before they turned the corner of the pre-op hallway I kissed him on his hair-net cover forehead and told him I loved him. His anestisist touched my arm, looked deeply into my eyes and promised to take good care of him. This comforting gesture brought me to tears. We waited just outside the pre-op hallway so we could meet his surgeon for the first time. A short while later and just when I was beginning to think they forgot about us, I saw a doctor walking down the hall. He reminded me of a taller version of Opie Taylor and to top it off he was wearing a StL Cardinals scrub cap! He couldn't be too bad if he was a Cardinals fan, even if I'm not. He took the time to explain what they would be doing, why they had to do this and what their goal was. Basically there is all kinds of crap in the sands/ground over there that the IED blew up into his legs. They don't want to close him up until the cultures come back negative and these washouts help remove that gunk and bacteria. They were also going to look at his wounds and see what needed to be done to give him a good foundation for his prosthetics. Of course all that scared me, but I knew it had to be done and I felt he was in good hands. It would be a 2-3 hour wait before his procedures would be finished. Thankfuly we had a couple administrative things to finish; taking our minds off the wait. At the 3 hour mark we headed to the waiting room. When we first arrived there were several people in the room, but with each phone call the numbers dwindled. I kept waiting for our phone call and before long we were the only ones left in the room. We were hitting the 3.5-4 hour mark and still no phone call. It was all I could do to keep the bile in my stomach from rising as it got more and more upset. I kept peeking out the door and down the hallway hoping I would see our doc. Finally it paid off, I saw his red StL Cardials cap bouncing up and down as he walked towards us with a slight smile on his face. We got up and met him in the hallway where he told us he had good and bad news. Good news; his wounds looked good and there were no obvious signs of infections in either leg. Bad news; there wasn't enough meaty tissue at the end of the left leg so they had to cut 4 more inches off the bone so it was no longer an at-the-knee amputation. They had to remove about 2 inches off the right, but it was still a below-the-knee amputation. By doing this he would now have a sturdy foundation for his prosthetics. I hated to hear it, but was so happy his right was still a below-the-knee making all the difference in the long run. Knowing he was safe, healthy and recovering caused all the tension to leave my body and suddenly I was really tired and hungry. We got something to eat and headed back to his room to wait for his return. All of a sudden we heard a commotion in the hall. Wayne went out to see what it was because it sounded like Chris. Then I heard Chris say "See that fucking sexy man there? That's my Dad!", very loud and jovial. We all just busted up laughing, whatever drugs they had him on made him quite the character. While he was in surgery the nurses had changed his bed to an air bed, it was better for all his butt and leg wounds. The transfer from the bed he was on to the air bed was quite the endeavor; the trapeze contraption was higher, his IV was now on the left which was the back side of the bed so we needed to get all the machines and stuff through the trapeze bar set-up, the new bed was like a bouncy castle with all the air in it and Chris was still high on drugs. We never laughed so hard. As Chris came down off his high he got a bit more feisty but I think it was a mixture of the coming down of the drugs and the pain rising up. So we worked with the RAS team to get his pain under control. After a fashion Chris finally drifted off to sleep, looking just like my little angel. It was getting late so Wayne and I headed back to the Fisher House and drifted off to sleep ourselves.

I can finally hug him!!!

A little, wrinkley, pink bundle with big blue eyes is all I saw. "Hey Handsome. Welcome to the world, I've been waiting for you. You are so loved!" is what I said to him as I joyously wrapped my arms around my little man for the first time. With the exception of the births of my other children, I never imagined I would experience those feelings of exhilaration and joy again, until now. As I entered the room there was a bright light over his bed and he was holding onto a trapeze, lifting himself up as he readjusted his body. While I did notice his legs, all I really saw was his handsome, handsome face. I wrapped my arms as tight as I could around him and told him I loved him and I didn't think anything would ever compare to the first time I held him until now. I didn't want to let go when I hugged him goodbye at the beginning of his deployment and I definitely didn't want to let go now. I cried a bit out of the sheer joy of finally being able to hold and kiss him. When I did let go, Wayne moved in to give him a hug and kiss. Seeing the two of them hugging made me cry. I knew how much Chris means to Wayne and that Wayne was just as relieved as I was to finally be able to hold his boy. I was able to get my first good look at his legs once Wayne let go. I'm still trying to figure out how I felt and feel about them. I wasn't disgusted or angry or sad or anything like that. It was just so surreal. I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy with 10 fingers and toes, now the toes I was so used to seeing for the last 21 years are no longer there. It was like he was hanging his legs in water and I kept waiting for him to pull them out. He was laughing and joking with his friend and the corpman; it did my heart good to see him honestly handling all this so well. I first took inventory of his room, it was your typical hospital room, sterile and bland though they did try to add some color with the furniture. This ward is supposed to be specifically for the wounded warriors, so taking into consideration all these young men have already lost, they hooked them up with a really great TV/computer-in-one set up. I then took a look at his bed, again your typical hosptial bed but with metal bars at both ends and one going down the middle with an orange trapeze attached to it. The trapeze chain must have been too long for Chris (he has a tall torso) cause it was looped over the bar once. There was an IV pole full of bags, PCAs and PCEs and lying on the end of his bed were his wound vacs. Now it was time to take a close up look at his legs. His right leg was the longest; the end had these dark grey sponges with a couple tubes coming out of them, held in place with a sheet of clear plastic tape. His left leg was shorter and set up pretty much the same way. The sponges made it hard to really get a good look at the actual damage. I peered at all the shrapnel wounds on his legs and arms. The backs of his poor legs and butt were horribly peppered, I don't think I could find a single square inch that didn't have a mark. All I could think of was how uncomfortable it must be for him to be sitting on all that and I could tell it was uncomfortable cause he kept shifting side to side. His left arm had a lot of peppering too but his right was relatively free from marks. The worst thing he had on the right was a cast on his ring finger from where it was smashed by something which broke the very tip of his finger. I couldn't help but think how ironic and appropriate it was to be that finger. Hopefully a reminder from the universe that his marriage is smashed, that he needs to move on and there should be no going back. After being there a little bit I couldn't wait anymore and asked if he was willing and able to tell us his story. He said yes and began. It was night, at the end of an unpartnered foot patrol, on the way back to base. They were standing in an area they had swept for IEDs, split into two columns. His buddy Brad walked up to their Squad Leader Nathan to talk to him and on his way back to his column he stepped on a pressure plated IED. The squad lept into action and after Chris helped set up the landing zone for the medevac he went back to help TJ get Brad onto the litter. As he walked around the litter to help pull Brad up, Chris stepped on the second IED. He felt himself fly up in the air and land on the ground where he thought what the hell did he trip over. He could tell his legs were gone, but didn't want to believe it. He dug himself out of the crater, rolled over and took the thor off then decided it was time to look at his legs. They felt like they were on fire; he looked down to see his right leg completely gone and the left hanging on by a tendon, ligament or whatever. My heart was breaking for him. I wanted to hug him; to take away all the pain and horrible memories, but I knew it wasn't the right time and let him finish. The explosion that got him also peppered his squad leader's face with shrapnel and he could see his buddy TJ lying face down on the ground. He had hoped it was only cause he was knocked unconscious, but feared the worst. Because of the positon the corpman was in when helping Brad the second explosion ripped the med pac apart and destroyed all medications left in there, leaving none to give to Chris. He remained calm and collected cause he knew freaking out wasn't going to make anything better so why freak out. Thankfully Chris decided to keep breaking in his new diaper with the new kevlar because despite the middle piece being shredded it really protected his special friends. Then he began to talk about the moment he realized TJ had been killed. After a couple buddies came to help him, a couple others turned TJ over and Chris could see the shrapnel that hit TJ killed him. My heart fell to pieces for him. I had always prayed that Chris would never be in a situation where he believed he was the reason why one of his buddies died and here it is. No, no, please no! It takes a lot to make Chris cry, to watch him break down and blame himself for the death of his best friend was so hard. All I could do was hold him while he sobbed and repeated he killed his best friend and how he would give anything to change places with him. For the most part I let him talk cause it was what he needed, but I did try to remind him the only person responsible for this was the jackass that planted the IEDs. As I said before, Chris is stubborn and it didn't matter what we believed. Even though I don't agree with how he sees things and as heartbreaking as it was, I did truly understand why and where he was coming from. I was so relieved to hear him say he had no intention of tarnishing TJ's sacrifice, instead he was going to use it as motivation to be the best he could be. We sat there in silence for awhile, as I held his hand I prayed for him, Brad, Nathan and TJ's family. For the strength needed to get through this traumatic time and to be able to quickly find their way thru the darkness and move into the light and love of all those around them. Shortly after that we met his squad leader Nathan outside Chris' room. The look on his face made me go to him straight away. I could tell he blamed himself and was afraid we blamed him too. I hugged him tight and thanked him for looking out for my boy, crying while I said it of course. He kept apologizing and I told him he had nothing to apologize for. I have my boy because of him and his squad and I will be forever grateful to them. I could tell he still felt guilty so I was determined to make sure over the next several days or however long it took to make sure he understands there is no blame, at least not from us. He came into the room and we talked about all kind of things but also about that night. It was neat to watch Chris and Nathan praise each other for how they handled everything. Nathan was blinded by the shrapnel but still worked the communications to get the medevac bird in. It was funny how each would get on the other for not taking credit where credit is due. I just wanted to shake the both of them and tell them to take their own advice. Stubborn, stubborn Marines. After Nathan left Wayne and I went to meet Brad. When we first got to his room it was just him so we had a few moments alone to talk to him and hear his side of the story. Basically it was the same as Chris' but where Chris blamed himself Brad talked about how awesome he was. Brad's parents and wife came in shortly after that, so we made our introductions then left them alone. I knew understandably they wanted alone time and I did want to get back to Chris. As we left Brad's room I said a little prayer that one day Chris will see himself through the eyes of his friends a little more and eventually blame himself a little less. It did strike me as 'funny' that Chris and Brad are twins. They do sort of look alike and their injuries are identical, though Brad's are a bit more intense. We spent some more time with Chris, but we needed to get to the Fisher House and get some sleep. It has been a long and emotionally draining day/night and tomorrow would be upon us before we knew it and tomorrow starts his surgeries. We kissed and hugged him goodnight then went to settle in.

Is it Monday yet?

I woke to the sun gently playing on my face as the curtains fluttered in the a/c induced breeze, however I saw it as it rudely waking me up before I was ready to deal with the day. Damn! Why didn't I fix that gap in the curtains and make sure bottoms were behind the vent? As I stretched myself awake I realized it is Sunday and Chris will be stateside around 1645 today! I've gotta get moving in case we got the call to fly out today. I was hoping a couple connections I had called to see about keeping Chris at Walter Reed/Bethesda would come through. No such luck; it was too late in the process. Ugh! My body felt like a deflated ballon after finding that out. Guess I don't have to pretend I'm Speed Racer to get it all done. So I decided to blow everything off and just hide from the world. Oh take me away you mindless boobtube! Watching the sad, pathetic lives of the people on shows like Bridezillas, Tanisha gets married, Toddlers and Tirias, etc. is like watching a train wreck and strangely enough makes me feel so much better. Wayne was so good about doing all the things I was hiding from so I could be...well, lazy. Axiously I waited for 1645 to come and it came and went without a call. Then HQ MC called saying there was an aircraft issue and he would be arriving later than planned but still leaving for San Diego at 0800 on Monday. Time to pick it up again, but now I felt so overwhelmed. Roughly 10 million questions were running around my head, it made me thankful for the brief retreat into nothingness. I worried about not knowing anyone in Cali, but thanks to Facebook I realized not only did I have wonderful friends in Long Beach but a friend actually in San Diego. A great friend from high school I hadn't seen in....well, let's not go there. The young guns were so great about checking on me, hugging me and telling me they loved me. I am so blessed with my boys. During all the support our friends were giving, a friend of a friend asked what was going on. It turned out he was connected with Channel 5 news and thought a story on Chris and our family would be a good human interest piece; in comes the 15 minutes of fame opportunity. The world needs to know not just how courageous Chris is, but all these young men who willingly put their lives and limbs at risk in the hope of helping others. So we tentatively arranged a meeting. Suddenly I realized night had snuck up on me and I welcomed it; it was bringing me closer to Chris. Around midnight my phone rang and Chris' voice was on the other end, sounding so much better than when we talked while he was at LRMC. He provided more information about his injuries and how he and his brothers were doing. It was a relief to know all three of them were doing really well. All the questions I had about that night would have to wait until I was able to see his face and hold his hand. The sandman must have been on the other end of that phone cause once we hung up I was fast asleep. Ready for the new day and our epic adventure to begin. I don't remember if I woke up early or what, or anything else that happened that Monday morning and early afternoon. Just that we packed and waited. Nothing will ever compare to the pacing I did the night I found out he was injured, but this came awful close. Finally they called to let us know he was in San Diego so they would arrange our flights now. My heart longed to be there when he arrived, but that wasn't going to happen. The best they could do was get us on a flight scheduled to leave 3 hours later. So we arranged a ride to the airport and for Ashley from Channel 5 to meet us there. Our UOA boy, Stephen, drove us there and our young gun Cam rode along to see us off. Leaving him at the airport was so hard for me. I knew I was going to be gone for months and Cam and Clint needed me too. But they were so grown up about it and told me Chris needed me more and they would be okay. The love and compassion they truly have for each other and their comprehension of the situation is so indescribable. I am going to really miss those two. We met with Ashley and filmed the news piece; it would aire at 2200 that night. Our plane out of StL was delayed, but thankfully not enough to make us miss our connecting flight. Not to mention when flying on Southwest you are not guaranteed seats together, but again thankfully we were able to get seats together, on both legs. I was so glad. As relieved as I was to finally be in the air, every now and then I would see or hear or think of something that would trigger my thoughts of what must have happened to him and what it must have been like for him and his brothers, my heart would break and I longed to be with him causing the tears to flow. Wayne would see and squeezed my hand and caressed my back, helping to get my emotions in check and refocus on the task at hand...getting to my boy. Finally we arrived at the San Diego airport; without really knowing where to meet the Wounded Warrior Battalion rep, we headed to the USO. As the front desk tried to find who they thought we were looking for, a Gunny from the WWBN came in. Granted he was there to pick up another family, but he did get us to the right driver. A smile spread across my face when Chris' friend CJ (who was with him) texted me back to say Chris was so excited we were almost there. I couldn't sit still; I was so thankful the music playing in the bus was Top 40. "Call Me Maybe" to be exact, my favorite song which kept me from getting really anxious the closer I got. They said it was only about a 10 minute drive, but trust me it certainly didn't feel like a 10 minute drive. Finally we arrived in front of the hospital by the flag pole that looked like a ship's mast and we went up to 5 West. As we entered the ward, right away I saw VANETTEN on the nameplate outside the second room on the right. I wanted to burst in the room, but because of where he had been we had to take precautions and were required to don gloves and a robe. It seemed like everything went on in slow motion but I finally got them on and gingerly opened the door. There before my eyes was the best sight ever, my handsome boy sitting up in bed! When he saw us a smile lit up his face and he said "Hey Momma!"