26 June Facebook Post

The warmth of the sun feels so good, but so does the occasional cool breeze. It helps me focus on watching out for the rocks underneath me as I run. Meanwhile my brain is screaming at me "Why didn't you wait until evening when it's cooler?" and my lungs are yelling "We told you you should have ran this weekend!" I tell both to shut up and enjoy this quiet time and all the heavenly smells coming off the plants as they warm in the sun. It's nice not having to think about all the doctors and just be able to think about my boy, Brad, Nathan and all their friends. About their bravery and dedication and their love for this country but more importantly each other. It pushes me to run my 1st 3 miles in over a year. I look at the hospital sitting on top of the hill, cold and hard but knowing that inside are people full of love and warmth for their fellow warrior and his well being. It becomes a beacon of hope, a pillar of strength and a welcoming home. Pulling me back to my boys, Chris and Brad, and all the sadness of the occasional setbacks and all the joy that comes along with watching them grow and improve. I revel in the appreciation of knowing just what it means to be able to be here to be apart of it. Always be thankful for all miracles, of every size! ♥

22 June Facebook Post

Today was full of emotions. Good start to the day while we were waiting for hopefully the last surgery. Anxious while waiting. Helplessness as I watch him in go thru serious pain. They did close him up and he has casts on his legs to help control the swelling.

20 June Facebook Post

Yesterday while Chris was in surgery for the first time this all happened. It felt good and very theraputic. There is a beautiful dirt path right across from the base, which is also hilly so I have a challange to beat by the time I leave! In roughly 12 hrs I am proud to say I turn 45 and the great thing about tomorrow I will be spending it with my handsome son. I ask in honor of my birthday, my son, his friends and those that are not with us anymore, hug, kiss (or call if they aren't close by) and tell everyone you love that you love them and are so glad they are in your life. Start a tradition where no one 

leaves the house without hugging those there and telling them that you love them. Life has a way of changing your life in a blink of an eye and you should never have any regrets. 

I truly love each and every single one of you and know that you all have brought such blessings into mine and my families lives!! ♥

27 June Facebook Post

Last evening sitting in this chair watching him struggle thru the pain as they figure out the right combination of pain meds. I haven't felt this helpless since he was a baby. Back then I could scoop him up and hold him tight, now all I can do is hold his hand and make sure the doctors give him what he needs. His strength is amazing, even thru this tough time. Tho I will say I agree with him on one thing, childbirth has nothing on getting your legs blown off. The feeling of watching the medication finally kick in and letting him drift off to sleep is indescribable. As peace finally washes over his face I am reminded of when he was a baby and how angelic he still is and my heart bursts with love and pride. Lord, continue to watch over Chris, Brad, Nathan and all their friends and families. Give them all the strength they need.

The next two weeks as an inpatient

The next two weeks were spent trying to figure out the right combination of pain meds to relieve his immediate pain and the elusive phantom pains. I felt so helpless watching him struggle through and it killed me that the most I could do for him was to get the nurses or doctors. He was so brave at times and suffer through the pain until he just couldn't take it anymore. He didn't like the drugs and how they made him feel. He didn't want to be on the high dosages but the pain was so unbearable at times. He tried to explain to me just how the phantom pains felt; it felt like his foot was being twisted and mangled or a thousand tiny pins pricking his foot or his big toe was caught on top of the toe next to it. How does the brain do that? We heard amputees who lost consciousness did not seem to have much phantom pains, while amputees were were awake seem to have them more. It will always amaze me how complex the brain is and how little we know about how it works. The nurses and doctors were great and worked really hard to find solutions. Thankfully the times I wanted to punch a nurse were very few. When those incidents happened I would tell the commander those nurses were not allowed back in his room and they did not come back. One doctor tried to pull rank on Chris when he was in some serious pain and couldn't explain exactly where his pain was. The doctor told Chris to remember he was talking to an officer to which Chris responded "Well, I just had my fucking legs blown off!" It did shut the doctor up quite a bit; I was so proud of him. Then I talked to the doctor outside the room; he was a bit pompous at first but later he did come back into the room to apologize for not being as sensitive to Chris' situation as he should have been. Hopefully it taught the doctor about the importance of a good bedside manner. Overall the staff was amazing and became nothing less than family. One of the many sliver linings we found was the kindness of strangers and the creations of new friendships. I met a wonderful lady whose son had been injured when a fire extinguisher exploded, the family members of other amputees and wounded warriors, other amputees and wounded warriors themselves and the wonderful volunteers who were so giving of their time to ensure our warriors and their families did not forget they were loved and cared for during this difficult time. I think the person who touched my heart the most was the gentleman I met at the Fisher House whose father-in-law was dying from cancer. His voice was so soothing; I always found our conversations comforting, uplifting and reassuring. James, thank you so much for being there just to listen to me. Just one more blessing from this very unfortunate situation; new people to share in our experience and us in theirs. Sometimes helping others through their tough times and helps you maintain the right focus on yours. Throughout the two weeks despite the pain, Chris kept his humor and his drive to be independent and get out of the hospital ASAP. He amazed me every day; it is so true that laughter is the best medicine. What impressed me even more was his kindness towards others despite all he was going through. I've always known what a great kid I had, but it was nice to hear others say they would do anything for Chris because of how well he had treated them and others. During those two weeks there were many times I wanted to cry (and sometimes did), times I laughed my head off and times I was worried beyond belief, but the one time I will always remember was the day I met Cpl Baune's wife. One afternoon we were sitting in his room after a whirlwind of doctors and visitors had come through. There was a gentle knock at the door, it opened slowly and a man's head peered around the door. He said there was a young lady outside who wanted to see Chris. Wayne and my hearts stopped, all we could think was...please don't let it be the ex, it's the last thing he needs to deal with. I got up, opened the door wider and peered out. Standing in front of me was a beautiful and demur blonde who I could see was nervous and unsure. The Gunny introduced himself and then introduced Cpl Baune's wife. My heart skipped a beat; it was so confused as what to feel, happiness it wasn't who we first thought it was but broken because I could only imagine what this beautiful woman was going through. I told her to come in; she shyly entered and said Hi to Chris. For what seemed like minutes they stared at each other wanting to say so much, but not knowing what to say or where to start. I cleared the room so they could have some privacy and we waited in the hall until they were finished. She had brought some care packages for both Chris and Brad and made it her priority to see them as soon as she had arrived back in San Diego. Her strength at such a young age astonished me and her caring about Chris touched my soul. Here is a young woman going through the worst time of her life and yet she was still thinking of others. As part of the memorial service for her husband she asked for care package donations to be made in her husband's name so they could send them to the rest of 1/7 still in Afghanistan. I know nothing will ever make the pain of losing the love of your life go away, but I prayed (and still do) that she finds some solace in the importance of the care she was providing to others. I talked to her a little bit that night and she came back a couple more times during those two weeks. I loved the times when Chris' antics and jokes brought her laughter out. It was good to see her smile even though I could still see the loss, sadness and confusion in her eyes. It was everything I could do to keep myself from hugging her tight and not letting go. What a beautiful, strong and caring young lady, who it is my privilege to know. Getting Chris released from the hospital took longer than we wanted but finally we found the right combination. Chris eventually moved from IV meds to oral meds; once that happened he was freed from the hospital. Funny enough I felt a twinge of sadness as we left the hospital. While some sad and painful things had happened there, so many good and happy memories were created. We met some really fun and caring people and I hated leaving them behind. Knowing it wouldn't be the last time we saw them and it was finally time to move forward, we were ready to take that first step/roll out the door. It was time to venture into the next stage of his progress and trust me we were more than ready!

It's closing day!!

Today is the day. I am so excited and nervous at the same time. Today we will be one step closer to his new future, yet surgeries always make me nervous. Chris is, as always, cheery and joking despite the phantom pains, which are a bit better today. Excitement builds as we look forward to him coming back with less tubes, making Fred (his IV pole) a bit easier to push around. The Doc came in to let us know his cultures came back negative, meaning no bacteria in the wounds which means they will definitely be closing him today. Brad was the first to go then it would be Chris, so we patiently...oh who am I kidding...we impatiently waited for the anesthetist team to come prep Chris. One because we were so ready to get this started and two because we were worried about Brad. He had had some small (yet painful) set backs and we wanted his surgery to go smoothly. Finally around 1230 they came for Chris. We were thrilled yet concerned about Brad since his surgery took longer than expected. I watched the team as they prepped Chris, working smoothly and somewhat efficiently and before I knew it they had finished and were wheeling him out. Seeing him in that bed brought back memories of when him and I PSCd to Kadena. He was 2 and had a severe ear infection, but because he had no fever and his high threshold for pain he never complained of an ear ache. One day, after only being there two weeks, he had fallen at the daycare provider's. When I brought him home he was slurring his words, completely panicked I rushed him to the ER where they asked me if he had any projectile vomiting. Within seconds after saying no, he proceeded to projectile vomit everywhere. They quickly took us to a room and gave him a once over where they discovered a dark red color behind his ear drum making them think he had internal bleeding. The only way to verify it was with a CAT scan and to prep him for that they would have to put an IV in his arm. My world was torn apart as I stood in the prep room, all by myself, watching my little man in complete confusion of what was going on, stare at me screaming and crying for Mommy as they tried to get an IV in his arm. Tears were streaming down my face as a medtech held me back to keep me from scooping him up in my arms to make it all go away. Luckily it was just a bad ear infection, but the pain on his face that day was forever seared in my memory. That face came rushing back to me now as I walked down the hall by his side. The difference was there was no screaming or crying and he was fully aware of what was going on, but it still didn't stop the tears from building up in the corner of my eyes. I just wanted to scoop him up in my arms and make it all go away. Once again I kissed him on the forehead and watched them as long as I could before they disappeared from view. It was going to take about 3 hours so we got something to eat and waited in his room. At the 3 hour mark I headed towards the dreaded waiting room. This time there was only a 3 families in there with me and Cujo, but as the calls came they quickly dwindled and once again it was just us left in there. Wayne joined us a few minutes later after getting of the phone with his family. The anxiousness began to build in all of us as the minutes ticked by and just like before I finally saw the StL Cards scrub cap come bouncing down the hall. The Doc told us the surgery went pretty much as planned; his wounds looked good and they were able to create a good meaty foundation. I asked to see the pictures of his wounds and he showed them to us. The pictures took my breath away and brought tears to my eyes, once again I wanted to drop to my knees, but I needed to see them for my closure. My mind tried to process what my eyes were looking at, while flashing visions of the pain and horror my baby boy had to endure that night! What a brave, brave young man! We headed to his room to wait, then after an hour I went back to the waiting room for his anesthetist Jay to come out. I was the only one in the room and strangely enough found the emptiness very comforting, it matched the emptiness in my heart so I let the quietness wash over me calming my nerves. Jay never came, but I did get a call letting me know they were taking him back to his room and I met up with them in the hall. He wasn't as out of it as last time, actually this time he was in a lot of pain. To help form the limbs for the prosthetics and to keep the knee flexible they put both of his legs in casts. The left one was loose and didn't cause him much pain but the right was tight and it felt like there was a wrinkle at the end that was really putting pressure on his limb. Several docs came in to look at it and ultimately it was decided to have a cast tech come up and valve the cast to release the pressure a bit but still keep it on to keep the swelling down and the knee straight. I  really didn't like that solution largely because I hated seeing him in such pain. But the sensible side of me won out; it was put on in a sterile environment and with the wounds unhealed we didn't want bacteria getting in and the pros at putting on these types of casts were gone and I only wanted the best for him. We all agreed to wait and see how he was in the morning. Once again that face from years ago was looking back at me and my world was being torn apart. Deep in my heart I know there will be many more times ahead where that face will be looking at me. I dread it, I hate that it will come but I am ready for it. I will do anything for my children and bear any pain required to make sure they know they are loved and well taken care of. As I ride the elevator down to the first floor I wonder if there will ever come a time when I am all cried out. On the walk back to the Fisher House I stare up at the night sky and the universe gives me my answer...No, as long as I love my son as much as I do I will never be all cried out.

Busy few weeks!

I am so sorry I haven't posted in a while. So much has been going on and I can barely keep it all straight. Things are getting settled and I will be back to telling our story. Thank you for your support and patience!